Pornography: Feels Good to be Filthy

                Now we like to run a good, wholesome, family-friendly blog here at MindDrip.  So, no graphic descriptions or images are included in this post.  In what is by far the most heavily researched article to appear on this blog so far, guest writer and renowned porn expert Boondock dives headfirst into the ins and outs of the porn industry.  We assume Mr. Boondock has put aside hours upon hours since somewhere around the age of twelve to research this article.  Without further delay, we’ll let Mr. Porn himself get on with his article, which is long enough to be a novel:

Boondock

Thanks for the introduction MindDrip.  I wrote this article because I’m a fan of the site and I wanted to contribute a small yet salacious story to it.  (Also, I love pseudonyms, which this site uses, and MindDrip said the only way I could get one is if I contributed an article.)  So anyways, I’m Boondock and I’m a recovering porn addict.  Just joking…  and don’t click on that link unless you want to read about some sick stuff.   I decided to make my MindDrip article about pornography because I once had to write a paper for a class on whether or not I thought pornography was harmful.  I ended up writing that it was harmful just because I knew that was the angle my teacher wanted me to take.  So, I thought I could write a bit on porn since I’ve already done the research, but this time I plan to be a little more objective about it.  Let’s start by discussing some pros and cons.

Negatives of porn

Detractors say that it can cause relationship problems and delusional thinking, especially among men.  This view stems from the fantasy aspect of typical porn videos.  For example, a 350 pound acne-riddled Dungeons and Dragons wizard is probably going to have some delusions about the quality (and quantity) of women he can get.  The type of girls he is able to snare (if any) in real life is highly unlikely to be anywhere close in appearance to the normal, buxom, porn actress.  Critics also claim that people similar to our Dungeons and Dragon friend won’t know what to do with a real girl.  Although I see and respect the point they are making, I have to disagree.  Geeks can simply watch some normal porn, not too fetishy or disgusting, to figure out what to do in the bedroom.  If they want to know how to act around girls in all other situations they can simply sit through a romantic comedy marathon.  Diligent note-taking during both the porn and rom-com are highly recommended.

After conquering countless dragons this stud now takes aim at the ladies.

Another danger porn poses to society is how disrespectful it can be to women.  Critics claim porn is harmful because it objectifies women.  There’s not much defense for porn here.  Porn breaks women down into “types”, based on physical attributes, as if they were cars or some other inanimate object.  Porn labels women a certain way because they belong a certain ethnic or racial group, or because they have notable body parts, or because they’re over 25 (known as the “MILF” category in the porn industry).

Another criticism of porn is that it desensitizes people to sex.  Similar to how violence on TV supposedly desensitizes people to real life violence, porn can make sex to seem like it is no big deal.  I feel like this one might have even affected me a bit.  I think I’d get way more excited about any boobs I saw in real life if I hadn’t already seen 10,000 perfect pairs while conducting research for this article.  Instead of getting all excited when I see boobs now I’m only excited when I touch them or if I see an extraordianary pair.  My standards have been unnaturally raised.  But I’ll take this slight desensitization rather than have my precious porn taken from me—So don’t get any ideas, because my stash is guarded 24/7 and the security guards have strict orders to shoot to kill anyone coming near my stash.

Hands off the stash.

The paper I had to write basically dealt with whether watching violent pornography could  make violence against women more likely.  My opinion on this is that the people who seek out violent pornography probably already tend towards these types of thought and behavior anyways.  This goes for all the other repulsive porn niches like bestiality, videos involving unusual body fluids, and extreme S&M material.  I feel like the only people who would want to watch these types of things are people who already have a desire to do it, and may in fact actually have done it.

Now for the fun part… Positives of Porn

Why is watching other people have sex pleasurable to the viewer?  In my experience at least, it’s only good if I’m in a certain mood.  Can you guess the mood?  If you guessed morose, mellow, or even cranky you’re wrong.  It’s horny.  Otherwise the stuff is pretty gross.

Some theories out there say it’s enjoyable because it’s a stress relief.  My stance is that people watch porn because it’s enjoyable.  Masturbation often goes hand in hand with watching porn and I for one find it to be enjoyable.  Not to beat off a dead horse here or anything, but there’s really not that much more to it than people have sexual cravings, and porn is a fast and seemingly harmless way to satisfy those cravings.  I don’t feel like there’s much need for deep psychological explanations on why porn is watched.  (As for porn satisfying sexual cravings, I don’t dismiss the view of Weed’s character Andy Botwin that porn can help “keep a predator off the street.”)

Pornography accessory known as the printing press.

Another positive of porn is that it popularized the printing press.  So without porn, little children wouldn’t be able to read books, at least as I understand it from that article.

Moving right along… Types of Porn

Normal Porn: This is porn we’re all familiar with.  You know the drill.  A woman and a man have sex, usually starting with oral and finishing with various penetrative positions.

Amateur Porn:  This is porn shot by amateurs.  It’s supposedly shot by a couple who are so unabashed about their bodies that they want the whole internet watch them make love.  As a researcher I didn’t enjoy this porn too much for various reasons.  Usually the participants’ looks (I can’t really call them actors since technically they’re not) aren’t quite on par with the actors you see in normal, professionally produced porn.  Second, the camera angles are usually terrible.  It’s usually just a camera perched on nearby bookshelf or something, kind-of, sort-of pointing in the general direction of the action.  As a researcher, I prefer multiple camera angles and shots that zoom in on the action.  With amateur porn you’re lucky if the participants’ faces are visible.

Strange Porn: Animal stuff, bodily function stuff, etc.  No thanks.

Some people really like to "ride" horses.

Realistic Porn: Realistic porn is hilarious.  It’s pornography which is supposed to be real people in a real setting.  Most of these movies feature the type of situation that middle-aged men (supposedly) fantasize about, like seducing the hot babysitter, or a tutor/student relationship which takes a sexy turn.  The tutor and young schoolgirl situations usually play out like this: The tutor struggles in vain to teach the girl the most basic stuff of any subject.  Next, the girl says something like “I don’t understand Spanish [or whatever she’s studying], but I do understand this,” and puts her hand on the tutor’s leg.  The tutor attempts to resist for about 10 seconds and says something like “your parents will be home any minute,” before giving in and the two have sex for like 45 minutes.

Another hilarious version is the busty Doctor/Nurse “taking care of her patient.”  Whenever I go to the doctor’s office the nurse usually weighs me and takes my blood pressure.  But apparently, from what I’ve seen in porn, they have lesser known and way more fun duties.  If you show them your erect penis, instead of running away in disgust or calling the police, they’ll perform any sexual act you ask for in order to get rid of the boner.  Porn nurses and doctors have made it very clear that there is no other way to get rid of a patient’s hard-on other than simply rolling up their sleeves and showing that cock who is boss.

Other varieties of the realistic porn category include the naughty secretary, maid, job applicant, pizza delivery guy, plumber, or TV/computer repair guy.  The job applicant ones are also hilarious.  One I recall recently watching for research purposes was especially ridiculous.  It was about a woman who was answering an ad for a housekeeping position.  A guy shows her around his house and asks her what she can do.  “Can you cook?” No. “Can you clean” No. “Can you use a computer?” No.  Then he asks what she can do and the answer becomes pretty clear as her dress falls to the ground.  The people answering the ads are always completely dysfunctional girls who can’t perform even the simplest task other than doing what it takes to star in a porn video.

There’s another type of realistic porn which bumps things up a level.  These films are usually set up so ‘real’ people (i.e. they aren’t supposedly in the porn industry) are convinced to star in the films.  In most cases it’s pretty obvious that the real person is actually an actress.  Usually, it’s a group of guys driving around in a van looking for hot girls walking by themselves.  When they see one they  get out of the car and one guy goes to talk to her while the other films everything.  The girl explains why she’s strapped for cash; usually it’s to pay for textbooks or school.  Strangely, the girl is never bothered by the fact that a complete stranger is shooting a camera at all parts of her body.  The girl is finally convinced to come back to the guys’ place and you can probably guess how it goes from there.  So if this was actually realistic, the quickest and easiest way to get some hot chicks would be to drive around in a big creepy van with a couple of friends until you find a hottie.  All with a friend closely filming everything.  Yeah, someone try that and let us know how it goes in the comment section below.

Real life girl contemplates random guy with camera's offer to let her go home with him.

A minor spinoff of the realistic porn talked about in the last paragraph is the hidden camera pickup porn.  This is rarer but even funnier.  The one that sticks out in my mind was this guy who picks up girls with these oversized glasses with a hidden camera concealed between the two lenses over his nose.  There is no way in hell this would actually work.  No matter how smooth you are you’re not taking home a girl wearing ridiculous glasses like those.

Porn Parodies:  These are parodies of popular movies or TV Shows.   Movie Spoof Films:  These films are great.  They parody big name movies by inserting gratuitous sex scene in many places it wasn’t actually featured in the real movie.  Examples include Batman in Robin, Schindler’s Fist, and Edward Penishands.  The only problem with these types of movies is that you might begin to watch real Hollywood films in a different light.  You may notice yourself expecting to see hot sex scenes in the middle of movies in which such a thing should never happen.  Don’t go to Cowboys and Aliens expecting to see cowboys in aliens.  Don’t go to Harry Potter expecting Harry and Voldemort’s “wands” to touch, if you know what I mean.

TV Shows:  They are usually hilariously bad, but sometimes they are  downright disturbing.  There are Simpsons parodies , Glee parodies, a Seinfeld porn parody, and on and on.  This website has porn parody reviews.

Porn for Women: Watching The Titanic.  I actually heard a girl say that watching the romance between Jack and Kate in The Titanic got her going much more than any porno does.  On the other hand, I’ve heard that some girls enjoy watching porn, and the research suggests they do, but none that I know have ever admitted to it.

Gay Porn: Hmmm… It appears I don’t have any research notes or data on this topic.  Can’t imagine why… oh well.

For the concluding section I’d just like to point out some of the other funny premises I’ve seen in porn.  There’s a plot I’ve seen a few times in which a girlfriend will walk in on her boyfriend sexing up some other girl.  Usually, the boyfriend acts shocked and desperately apologizes.  The girlfriend is furious.  So furious that she decides to punish him by forcing him to do unspeakable sex acts on her.  Wait, that’s what will happen if you cheat on your girlfriend?

I also love pornos that are supposed to be spoofs of action movies.  The best scenes usually go something like this:  a couple is trying to escape a bad guy’s lair or something like that, and they will fight and win against some of the bad guys’ henchmen.  The action is usually pretty terrible.  After winning the fight they take a break to have some dirty sex, and then get back to fighting some more henchmen.  As for where all the henchmen went while they made passionate love, well that’s a mystery that may never be solved.

Since I am a college student, I find the pornos set in a college environment pretty hilarious.  Apparently there are orgies almost every night in the dorms, yet I was neither present nor heard about one while I lived in the dorms.  There are also a lot of movies that are supposed to be about “real” college parties.  These usually involve a lot more public sex than I ever witnessed in college.

Also porn bloopers are a dangerous combination of laugh out loud funny and near vomit-inducing disgusting.

I will now hand things back off to MindDrip’s very own M.F. Brown for the remainder of the article.

MF Brown’s Ideas for Porn:

  1. The best porn works for a particular viewer because that person can relate to it.  The best and most popular fantasies featured in porn are those which are relatable to the target audience.  If porn truly wants to be realistic then it should feature guys getting rejected by girls during the “pick-up” stage.  If the guy is able to pick up a girl and  she later says “no” when he tries to take things to the next level, the movie would then feature the guy waiting until she falls asleep at which point he will be free to do to himself what she was unwilling to.  On second thought, maybe these ideas are a little too realistic.
  2. Just imagine this scene:  A man—quite possibly a blogger—is sitting at a table at the library writing an article for his blog.  He can’t help but notice the attractive and quite busty woman working on her computer across the table from him.  They make eye contact.  He comes over to talk to her, but before he can get a word out she grabs his schlong and it’s on.  They roll around amongst the bookshelves paying no heed as volume after volume crashes on to them.  Their  love is too passionate and intense for them to feel anything else.  This lovemaking goes on for a solid four-and-a-half hours.

Although I can’t quite finger the reason why this particular scenario sounds so good to me I can tell you that it’s a great idea.  It just rings so true.  Blogger seduction porn is a painfully undervalued genre of the industry.

And that’s all I could come up with.  Everything’s already been done or requires technology beyond our current levels to accomplish.  Here’s a hilarious Stephen Colbert Daily Show clip to go out on.  It’s called Popping a Big Tent: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-june-23-2005/popping-a-big-tent.

About MindDrip

This blog is by a couple of freshly graduated young men. It covers sports, politics, everyday life, dating, science fiction, and entertainment. View all posts by MindDrip

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